Marriage Counseling for You?

Published September 6, 1979. Almost anyone can give advice about marriage, and nearly everyone does. And it is fairly common for most married couples to occasionally seek counsel from outside parties about what to do regarding a particular problem or situation in a marriage.

If outside professional help is sought, to whom should a couple go? Who is best qualified to serve as a marriage counselor? How much will it cost? At what point should consultation be sought? These and several other questions were recently discussed in a brochure distributed by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

In states that do not license marriage and family counselors (Utah is among the seven states that do license), insufficiently trained or totally untrained “lay counselors” are allowed to offer their services to the public. And unfortunately, in many communities outright charlatans and quacks prey on gullible and troubled couples.

Before consultation is sought,  a married couple should seek a counselor who, among other things,

1. Is trained, and if possible, licensed
2. Is willing to discuss fees in advance
3. Will provide his or her credentials as a marriage counselor upon request
4. Is qualified and willing to counsel within the couple's perspective and value system

The brochure distributed by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy addresses the following questions:

What does a marriage and family counselor do?

Marriage and family counselors today do more than merely deal with troubled marriages. Some specialize in family counseling by working with problems that confront not only husband and wife, but parents and children as well. Other counselors specialize in pre-marital counseling, helping young men and women prepare for the realities of contemporary married life as well as resolve differences which may already exist between the couple. An increasing number of counselors now offer divorce counseling by helping those whose marriages have ended to get over their emotional wounds and face the future with renewed confidence and hope.

Most people think that a marriage counselor will tell them what to do about their problems. A professional counselor, however, does not offer ready-made solutions, nor prescribe stand-by remedies. Seldom will he or she “take sides” or judge who is “right” and “wrong.” A counselor tries to help both partners deal with their own difficulties as best they can and work out their own solutions.

When couples understand that a marriage counselor is not a wizard who has a magic formula for transforming imperfect marriages into perfect ones, they are likely to put more effort of their own into making their marriage better.

How do I know when I need marriage counseling?

As a general rule, problems should be dealt with as early as possible, but the timing varies for different people. When couples wait too long to get help, conflicts escalate and attitudes become more rigid and hostile.

There are certain key times in a marriage, however, when prompt counseling or therapy is vital. Some of these are:

1. When a couple does not know why they are in conflict, or does not know how to change their ways of behaving toward each other
2. When a marital problem is deeply rooted in the personal pattern of one spouse or the other, such as severe depression, chronic drinking, acute anxieties, etc. 
3. When communication between a couple becomes almost exclusively hostile 
4. When a couple cannot reach out to each other with love and understanding without the support of a third party 
5. When a marriage has deteriorated to the point where a spouse feels he or she must make a dramatic gesture, such as leaving home

What if one partner doesn’t want to see the marriage counselor?

This is frequently the case, with as many as 75 percent of original contacts for counseling made by the wife. If one partner is reluctant, the counselor can often convince him or her to join the process. When the counseling begins to produce positive changes in one person, the other often decides to find out what is happening by taking part in the sessions. And even if the reluctant spouse never becomes part of the counseling process, the support and guidance the other spouse receives is often sufficient in itself to help the marriage grow.

How much does marriage counseling cost?

Counselors in private practice usually set their fees on a per-session basis at between $30-60 an hour. Counselors who work for social or tax-supported agencies may charge nominal fees, or none at all, based on family income.

How effective is marriage counseling?

1. Whether counseling will help solve marital difficulties depends on several factors: 
2. How soon one seeks help 
3. Whether both spouses are willing to cooperate for the necessary length of time
4. How determined a couple is to make their marriage work. 

Experts estimate that about two-thirds of all couples are helped by marriage counseling, about 25 percent show little or no change, and the remaining 8 percent report their marriage worsened.