The Maces' view of marriage is not as a
static, unchanging relationship, but as a fluid, flexible interaction process
which is never totally established or completed. It is a process of ongoing
growth, adaption, and change that never ends.
No married couple, they believe,
completely ‘arrives’ in a marriage because the objectives and goals themselves
constantly change. The Maces like the term ‘marital growth’ to describe this
dynamic process.
The test devised by the Maces is
self-administered and self-scored. All that is needed is a pen or pencil, and a
very small piece of paper. It can be taken without any advance preparation and
this short do-it-yourself evaluation remains in your possession.
The test requires no professional
personnel to administer or interpret the results. A husband and wife take it
separately without collaboration of any kind and then sit down together to
compare their scores and discuss the implications.
THE
TEST: Listed below are ten areas of a
marital relationship:
- Common goals and values
- Commitment to growth
- Communication skills
- Creative use of conflict
- Appreciation and affection
- Agreement on male/female roles
- Cooperation and teamwork
- Sexual fulfillment
- Money management
- Parenting effectiveness
Each partner is to enter a score,
based on a scale of ‘0-10’, to the right of each line. First go through the
list and make a quick response. Then take a little more time to go over the
areas and revise the scores if you think it is necessary.
The score represents where the
marriage now stands in relation to where it could be if every possible resource
were put to work in bringing it up to its full potential as perceived by the
individual.
A perfect score of ‘10’, for example, by “Appreciation and Affection” would mean that neither partner ever missed an opportunity to give warm support and praise. A score of ‘0’, on the other hand, would suggest that every opportunity is passed by. Relatively few couples, according to the Maces, rate their marriage at either extreme of ‘0’ or ‘10.’
Most scores fall somewhere in
between. All that is asked is that each individual partner give their marriage
an honest score according to their own perception.
After each person has privately
evaluated the marriage potential in the 10 categories and entered the figures
next to each area, the scores should be added up. The resulting figure represents
a percentage of the marriage potential each person has assigned to the
relationship. The difference between the assigned score and 100 indicates the
marriage potential not yet attained.
The next step is a critical one. The
Maces suggest that the husband and wife set a time when they can be alone
together, uninterrupted, for at least an hour or more if possible. During this
period, they should share for the first time the scores they have given the
marriage and compare (a) their scores for the separate areas and (b) the sum of
the scores on the total percentage.
Nearly all couples who have taken
this test, according to the founders of ACME, have found it to be a significant
experience. Many find their scores nearly identical, which suggests that their individual
perceptions of their marriage are closely congruent.
When a significant disparity in
total scores exists, it suggests a closer examination should be made of that area.
The couple needs to find out why they place such different values on this
particular part of their marriage.
If the scores are identical or very
close and low, there clearly is some work to be done, The Maces counsel such
couples not to be discouraged about these low scores because “they mean you
have money in the bank that you’ve never used. There are some good things
waiting to be claimed.”
For many couples, the discussion of
the test is very challenging. It means facing some of the realities in their
marriage they may have previously avoided. Often each one knows, but has never
jointly faced the reality that specific areas of their marriage can be
improved.
After reviewing their scores, the
Maces then suggest a couple make their own “Growth Plan.” This plan simply
outlines steps both agree upon to improve their relationship in their deficient
areas. The agreement could be written and signed by both husband and wife. They
then have a written commitment they have made to which they can refer, if
desired.
The Maces also warn against the
danger of attempting to change too much too quickly. “Do it in easy, manageable
steps” they caution. “If you try to jump over a 4-foot wall together and you’re
only able to clear a 3-foot wall, you’re both going to hurt yourselves.” They
further suggest that the couple share their commitment with another couple or
couples to whom they can report progress, or if necessary, with a counselor who
can guide them through the growth process.
A final interesting aspect of this
test is it can be repeated. Since the measure of marriage potential used is
subjective, and not objective, the assigned scores can change over time. As you
gain a clearer understanding of yourselves and each other, the Maces say you
may alter your evaluation of what is possible for the marriage.
The test scores change as you
progressively move toward a more realistic perception of what you can achieve
together. You may also choose to alter or change the list of areas to be
evaluated.
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