Published
July 12, 1979. It is becoming increasingly
evident to me that every married couple has two marriages: the marriage that is known only to the couple,
and the marriage that is known to friends, neighbors, relatives and associates.
In essence, every married couple has both a public and a private marriage.
The public marriage is what others
see. It is the one we display when we have guests, go to parties, family
reunions, church, etc. We put on our best behavior and consciously or
unconsciously decide what kind of marital image we’d like to exhibit. Then we
hope it is the kind of marriage others will perceive. Usually they do.
There is another dimension of the
marriage that is known only to the couple. This is what is said or done in
private when there is no peer scrutiny. It is the relationship that emerges
when the facades are down, when there is no one to try to impress except each
other. And in most marital relationships there is usually a discrepancy between
our public and our private marriage.
Newly married couples are highly
impressed and influenced by the public marriages of others they observe. The
public marriages seen, however, may be dysfunctional in that the younger
couples are viewing the aspects of the marriages that their associates wish to
portray as the public marriage. What many newly married couples do not realize
is that these couples often behave much differently toward each other when they
are alone, in the privacy of their homes.
I am becoming increasingly skeptical
of husbands and wives who lavish excessive praise or compliments on each other
in public. It is almost as if they are trying to impress themselves and each
other, as well as the public, that all is well within the marriage. Many people
put their spouse on a pedestal in public only to use him or her as a footstool
in private. Hopefully our public and private marriages could be more consistent
in that both would become more genuine with less pretense.
Perhaps there is no greater example
of our public and our private marriage than that which we wish our children to
perceive. Part of our marriage is generally known to our children, but there
are also some aspects of our relationship of which they are not aware. We as
parents often do well in both disguising and deceiving. This phenomenon also
raises a very good question: how much of our private marriage do we disclose to
our children? Do we discuss the discrepancies and differences with them? Or, as
we are constantly asked in marriage classes or counseling, “Should we discuss
our differences in front of our children?”
Of course, there are some aspects of
marriage that are too sensitive to talk about in front of our children
depending on their age and maturity. The method by which the differences are
confronted may also make a difference. No child should have to witness physical
abuse (e.g hitting and beating) nor would their interests best be served if
there is an excessive amount of screaming and yelling by a mother and father
when talking over marital problems. There are perhaps some private dimensions
of almost every marriage that should not become public.
But then there are the other
realities to consider. We often assume that if we don’t verbally tell our
children that “mother and father are having an argument” they won’t know.
Children are not naïve and are often more sensitive than adults in detecting
when an emotional upheaval is occurring. So let’s assume that they do know, or
eventually find out, that all is not well in their parents’ marriage. Should we
as parents then acknowledge that we know they know?
Perhaps we should also reconsider
whether we want our children to grow up believing that mom and dad never had
any differences of opinions. This is not a realistic marital expectation.
Should we pretend, as we hope our children will, that husbands and wives never
have confrontations with opinions, differences, or hurt feelings? Should we
allow them to go into their own marriages and find out otherwise? Or is there
an alternative?
On occasion, could we acknowledge to
our children that, yes, mom and dad (choose from the following) (a) are having a
fight, (b) are discussing differences (c) are upset with each other, (d) are
having an argument, or (e) all of these. Should we try and convince our
children that we never have been angry or disappointed with each other and let
them take that belief into their own marriage? We could let them know that two
people who love each other can have differing opinions and even get upset with
each other on occasion, and yet continue to love one another. We could also
allow our children to be present where we hopefully make up or become
reconciled. If we have a practical way of dealing with marital problems, wouldn’t that also become a worthwhile practice to teach our children?
Perhaps marriage would be more
meaningful for both us and our unmarried children, if our public and private
marriages were more congruent. Not that all the inadequacies and immaturity
should become public, but the good qualities, attributes, and courtesies we
practice in public should become part of our private marriage as well.
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