Dating Biases are Unfair

Published August 26, 1982. A friend of ours was passing through Utah recently and stopped by for a visit. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just friends meeting with friends.

Our discussion eventually led to the fact that she is single, which is still nothing unusual. She is not panicked about not being married. But like most other women in the United States, our guest would like to marry sometime in the future.

And there are many reasons to believe she will marry. She is in her late 20s, very mature, attractive, trim, wants to be a good wife and mother, and is deeply committed to her religious values (Latter-day Saints in this case).

But there are also two reasons why she may not have the opportunity to marry, neither of which can be changed. She is highly educated, which is somewhat threatening to many contemporary males. And what is even more concerning to some men is the fact that she is tall. Six feet, one inch to be exact.

After she left I wondered aloud why it is that men in our society discriminate against tall, educated women. I have since concluded that it is not my friend who has the problem. The problem lies with the men with whom she associates.

She is a victim of what we in the family life education field call the dating differential. This phenomenon suggests that men date “down” and women date “up” in certain measurable characteristics. These include age, height, level of education, and socioeconomic status.

Thus, a man who is young, short, with little education, and of a lower socioeconomic level will have a difficult time both dating and finding someone to marry.

On a similar note, a woman who is slightly older than others, tall, and highly educated will have a similar disadvantage. And my friend fits this latter category.

I believe there must be men in our society for whom height and educational attainment would not be detrimental factors in a relationship. Such men, however, are rare, and the chances of my friend meeting such a person may be remote.

It’s an inherent unfairness of our society, perhaps fueled by the mass media. We place an undeservedly high emphasis on physical qualities, and both men and women suffer in the process.

I think my friend understands this and has become philosophical about it. In the meantime, anyone interesting in meeting a tall, intelligent, attractive woman, drop me a line.

Dr. Barlow is happy to receive questions about marriage and family relations.