Published
November 19, 1987. During the past few years, I’ve
had the opportunity to talk to many men and women who have been or are
divorced. Unless a person has had this experience, I think it is difficult to
understand the adjustment and transition from being married to being single
once again. And sometimes well-meaning friends, family members, neighbors and
relatives make the task of adjustment even harder.
Making the decision to divorce is
difficult enough. There are long periods of deliberation whether to stay in the
relationship or to get out of it. And the alternatives are not always
distinctly positive or negative. Sometimes there are combinations of both. But
eventually a decision must be made. Either we are going to stay married and
perhaps work to improve it, get out of it by divorce, or live on, as one
counselor has noted as “married singles” in “quiet desperation.”
By now most readers of this column
know I’m highly committed to stable and satisfactory marriages, including my
own and those of others. When troubles occur I firmly believe that married
couples should do all in their power to work toward reconciliation and a more
satisfying marital relationship. I think this is usually the case, not only for
the couple, but for the children often involved.
But the pervasive question remains
for those considering divorce and all other married couples. Is divorce
justified? An experience I once had comes to mind.
When I was teaching at Southern
Illinois University in Carbondale, I was invited to speak at a women’s luncheon
in the community. After my remarks I asked if there were any questions. There
were one or two. Then I was handed a note scribbled on a napkin which read:
“Dr. Barlow, if I am in an irreparable marriage where divorce seems impossible,
which is the best alternative? Suicide or murder?”
I read the note aloud, and the room
became very quiet. We all realized the woman who wrote the note was serious and
everyone became interested in what I would say. I also wondered.
Finally, I suggested that no
marriage relationship is worth a human life. Whenever a human being is
assaulted, or life is frequently threatened, I question the value of staying in
the relationship. Divorce seemed to me to be a viable alternative to either
murder or suicide.
Before sitting down, I also
suggested there were probably other justifiable reasons for divorce but only
those in the troubled marriage could make the decision. They are the ones who
ultimately will abide by the consequences of that decision. They are the ones
who will have to live with, or without, their marriage partner.
Deciding to divorce is usually a
long, difficult decision. Sometimes people rush into it prematurely and perhaps
even unnecessarily. But there are also those who give the decision careful and
deliberate consideration. We as family, friends, neighbors, or relatives may
not agree with someone else’s choice to divorce. But once the decision is made,
those involved need our friendship and understanding.
When do you think divorce is
justified?
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