Falling Out of Love Is a Painful Process

Published March 7, 1980. 

QUESTION:  My girlfriend and I dated for several months and were about to become engaged, when she broke it off. What was once a pleasant dream has now become a nightmare. I think of her constantly, even though we don’t date anymore. I have lost my appetite (and several pounds) since she called it off. I am really quite bitter about the whole thing and seriously wonder if I could or should start dating again, since my self-confidence is next to zero. Any suggestions how I can get over her?

ANSWER: In time the pain will seem less intense, but you may be interested to know there are some things you can do to speed the recovery from the loss of a loved one.

Dr. Debora Phillips of the Temple University Medical School in Philadelphia has recently written a book titled “How to Fall Out of Love.” In it she notes, “Our whole culture is geared and meshed to help us fall in love, but nowhere are there signs to point the way out. Falling out of love is usually a natural, although painful process, but the loss of a love can be almost overwhelming and an obsession, an intense, enduring, immobilizing pain. Being in love when it’s not returned can lead to depression, obsessive thoughts, inability to work, difficulty in making friends, and self-destructiveness.”

Dr. Phillips has outlined several steps for men and women who want to fall out of love. Two of them are (a) thought-stopping and (b) silent ridicule.

Thought-stopping:  You have probably told yourself several times since breaking up that you should stop thinking about the person so much. But how do you do it? You can train a thought to stay away by starving it out and replacing it with other thoughts more pleasant, though unassociated with the former lover.

Dr. Phillips suggests you make a list of the most positive scenes and pleasure you can imagine that do not involve the person you are trying to forget. Examples would be hitting the winning home run in the last game of the World Series, liberating some prisoners of war, rescuing an old lady from a mugger and having your picture in the newspaper, winning a free year’s pass on an international airline, walking in a deep forest and finding a tame deer, catching a trophy fish, or watching a beautiful sunset.

After compiling your list on paper, you have a weapon for your unwanted thoughts. The next time you start thinking about the former loved one, say or shout “STOP,” and immediately start thinking about one of the thoughts on your list. Do the verbal “STOPS” for a few days, and also keep track of how many times you catch yourself thinking of the former lover. One young woman found herself thinking of a former boyfriend as many as fifty times daily and in two weeks of thought-stopping reduced it to just three or four times a day.

After a few days of the verbal “STOPS,” you can do such things as snap a rubber band on your wrist, dig fingernail into your palm, or stamp your foot. They all work as a reminder to change thoughts.

Silent Ridicule: When we are in love there is a tendency to put a person on a pedestal, and that is the way we tend to remember them. Silent ridicule would be thinking of the person in a humorous or ridiculous situation which would recall or create character flaws. Learning to visualize a former lover in a comic or absurd circumstance helps lift the pedestal right into the sky and out of sight.

Examples of silent ridicule would be visualizing a former girlfriend eating scrambled eggs with her fingers in a fancy restaurant or imagining a former boyfriend address the mayor and city council in his shorts and T-shirt. It is possible to envision a former boyfriend trying to kiss a new-found love good-night and being turned down because he has spinach on his front tooth. Or better yet, imagine he loses his false teeth on his honeymoon.

Picture a former lover running for political office with Donald Duck as his or her campaign manager. Or close your eyes and watch him or her accept a graduation diploma while sucking on a baby bottle.

Once you have reduced the number of times you think about a former lover, Dr. Philips suggests you practice silent ridicule three to five times a day by thinking of him or her in ridiculous situations rather than the dewy-eyed, pie-in--the-sky thoughts we tend to remember.

Hopefully these two suggestions are of value. There is the old saying that “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” But it is also true that “It is bitter to have loved and lost and end up with no love at all.” By following some of Dr. Phillips’ suggestions we can forgive and forget a former loved one and, hopefully, in time, learn to love again.