Divulge Past to Future Spouse?

Published April 10, 1980. 

QUESTION:  A few years ago, I had an unpleasant experience. It was a situation where I erred in judgment and have subsequently suffered the consequences many times over. I now plan to marry in a few months, and my question is whether or not I should tell my future spouse about my past? What if I wait and disclose it after our marriage?

ANSWER: Almost everyone has a skeleton of one kind or another in their closet. But the past is behind us and there is little we can now do to change it.

The only good derived from dwelling on the past is gaining perspective. Will Durant has observed, “If you want the present and the future to be different from the past, find out the causes that made it what it was, and bring different causes to bear.” You do raise a very interesting question, however, about how much of our past lives must or should be conveyed to a future spouse.

I believe there is little good to be gained for an engaged couple to review in detail their past lives. In fact, it usually does more harm than good. More importantly, they should discuss their need, if any, to know about each other’s past. Couples should accept each other for what they are at the time they meet and only be accountable to each other from that point forward.

Being in love is such as overwhelming feeling. There is often a need to disclose past experiences, particularly if there is an excessive amount of guilt. If the information is to be conveyed, I would not do it while the relationship is being formed. Rather, I would wait until bonds of trust have been developed to the point such information would be less threatening.

Your situation should also be viewed from both a legal and moral perspective. It is my understanding that misrepresentation of fame, fortune, or character is NOT grounds for divorce. A martial relationship can be declared legally invalid in many states, however, if a woman is pregnant by another man at the time of the wedding. If your character in the past has been questionable, you may want to contact an attorney for legal counsel regarding your specific circumstances.

But there are also some moral issues to consider, and situations may vary from couple to couple. In general, I would disclose, at the appropriate time, anything that may threaten a marriage if it were discovered or disclosed later on.

For instance, if you have been previously married, regardless of the outcome, I think it needs to be conveyed. This is particularly true if you have children in the marriage.

If you have either fathered or borne a child out of wedlock, this should, in my view be conveyed to your intended spouse. I know several situations where this has been the case. The information was discretely disclosed after the relationship had developed, and the past apparently had little or no negative effects on future marriage plans.

If a person has a lengthy criminal record or is addicted to drugs, serious consideration should be given to conveying such information to a future spouse. Beyond these few events, however, I don’t think much else needs to be disclosed, particularly by a person is at peace with his past. If you decide something is important enough to tell, do it before the wedding. Otherwise, forget it once the marriage is under way.

Henry David Thoreau noted, “He is blessed over all mortals who loses no moment of the passing life remembering the past.”

Our experiences from the past, whatever their origin or impact, have made us what we are now. So why curse the crucible which produced the character?