Family Size and Happiness – Any Rules?

Published June 19, 1980. 

QUESTION: We have been married several years and have four children, the last just a few months ago. My husband would like to have another child as soon as possible, but I would like to wait for personal reasons. He believes that the more children we have, the happier we will be in our marriage. Is this true? Does the number of children in a family affect marital happiness? Also, do you believe in child spacing?

ANSWER: A woman called me long distance not long ago and asked if I believed in child spacing. My reply was “yes.” I believe children should be 10 feet apart at all times. Somehow, she missed my point, or I missed hers.

As for family size and marriage, I know of no research or documentation that suggest having a certain number of children will guarantee success in marriage. Susan and I have happily married friends who have no children, and there is a couple who live nearby who have 17 children and appear to be happy in their marriage as well. Most of us will fall somewhere between these two.

Two major factors regarding family size which apparently do affect marital happiness are (1) how many children a couple wants and (2) how many children they actually have. Both these numbers vary from couple to couple and work in two ways.

A couple, for example, may want four children and are able to have only two or three. Trying to get the additional wanted children could produce some stress on the marriage. While we seem to have been obsessed in the United States with supposedly too many children, there is a major concern known perhaps only to gynecologists. This is the large number (perhaps 10 percent) of married couples who want children or additional children and are not physically able to bear them. And newborn babies are becoming increasingly difficult to adopt.

On the other hand, the same couple may want four children and have five or six. Having more children than parents want, regardless of the number desired or attained, can have a negative impact on marriage. This is particularly true for the wife and mother, who bears the greater responsibility not only for bearing but also for caring for the children.

Assuming that most women marry in their late teens or early 20s and experience menopause somewhere in their early 40s, it is theoretically and physically possible for a husband and wife to have upwards of 20 children. This optimal number is seldom attained.

It is evident, therefore, that almost all couples in the United States choose to exercise control of conception in one way or another during some part of their marriage. How many children a married couple desire and actually have is one of the most crucial issues they will face in contemporary life. And it is a decision that is best made jointly.

My personal opinion is that husbands and wives should have and enjoy children, although the number may vary from couple to couple. I share the sentiments of Dr. Carlfred Broderick, marriage counselor in Los Angeles, who recently stated in his book “Couples,” “In my view, children are the most powerful motivators a couple have to grow up themselves. Having a family forces us to sacrifice, to learn to put another person’s needs above our own, to expand our investment in life and in the future.”