How Do I Love Thee? Eat Your French Fries, Dear!

Published August 28, 1980. It was Elizabeth Barrett Browning who wrote, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” Her poem suggested there are several ways people can love each other. And I am becoming increasingly aware of two major trends of love in American marriages.

First, most men love their wives. And second, most men do not love their wives in ways women wish to be loved. Husbands often make genuine efforts to convey concern and interest, but in some strange and mysterious ways, we are not loving our wives in the ways they anticipate.

This was graphically illustrated to me in my own marriage several years ago. I was driving home one day and was thinking how much I loved Susan, my wife. I decided to go in the house, tell her, and then do something romantic.

I walked in the door and said, “Susan I love you.”

Sue looked both shocked and suspicious at the same time. “What did you say?” she asked.

“I said I love you and want to show it in some way.” I had in mind going out for a Big Mac and maybe getting her an extra bag of fries or something special like that. (I later found the typical American male often associates romance with food.)

She paused for a moment after I kissed her, which was another way I knew how to convey love. "Do you really love me?" She queried.

"Of course," I said. "I just told you." (Why wives sometimes don’t feel loved after being told is astonishing to most men.)

"And you want to do something to show me how much you love me?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied with anticipation.

Then it hit. “Please go and wash the dishes!” I was stunned. “I’ve had a difficult day with children,” she said, “and I haven’t been able to do them yet.”

“Wait,” I gasped, “You didn’t hear me.”

“No,” she replied, “You didn’t hear me.” So out I went to the kitchen to wash the dishes. (I later wised up and bought a dishwasher).

Somehow it didn’t seem very romantic to me, plowing around in the soap suds doing those dishes. But at that particular moment, I found out there was nothing I could have done to show my love for Susan more than lending a helping hand at a difficult time. What a lesson for one who seemed to himself to be the true romanticist!

I assume my experience is common and my assumptions accurate. I am convinced many husbands do not know how to love their wives. The song from Camelot “How to Handle a Woman” states, “Love her, Simply love her.” For most of us, it is not that simple.

So I am asking the women readers of this column to do the male readers a favor. Tell us men how you want to be loved. Write a short letter to me telling two things:

1. In the past, what has your husband done to show his love that you appreciated most?
2. What could he do in the future to show his love that you would greatly appreciate?

Leave your letter around for a day or two in a conspicuous place in hopes that he’ll read it.

After the letters are in, I will compile the responses and write a short synopsis. For every woman who responds to these questions in the next two weeks, I promise I will mail you a copy of the synopsis free of charge. Maybe you can give it to your husband next Valentine’s Day.