Me? In the Digest? Wow! What a Joke!

Publeshed January 14, 1982. Recently I returned from lunch, and as I walked in the door, Kathleen, the department secretary, was excited. “George Linzer from the Reader’s Digest in New York has been trying to get you on the phone.” Kathleen said. “They want to print something you wrote in the Deseret News.”

“Nothing like going national.” I thought to myself. Then I asked Kathleen “Did he say which article?” Kathleen said he did not indicate what it was they wanted, but he did leave a phone number for me to call.

As I walked to my office and dialed the New York number, my mind ran ahead to what our conservation might be. “They’ll probably be interested in several articles,” I thought. “Maybe even want to run a series.”

I finally got through to New York. “Hello, George Linzer? This is Brent Barlow in Provo, Utah returning your call.” We went through some chit-chat, reviewed the weather in detail, and then I presumptuously said, “I understand you want to print something I have written.” “That’s right,” George replied, “something you wrote about communication in marriage. Someone in Missouri sent it to us.” I didn’t know Deseret News had readers in Missouri!

I had written more than one article about marital communication, so we started talking titles and dates. He located his copy and said, “It is titled ‘You’d Better Learn to Communicate.’ You wrote it several months ago.”

I located a copy of the column and glanced over it. It was one of my better articles, I thought, so I told George he had my permission to publish it in the Reader’s Digest. I was curious, however, if he was going to offer to pay anything for it. I had heard that they sometimes pay several hundred dollars for certain material.

There was a long pause, and finally Mr. Linzer said, “I’m sorry, Dr. Barlow but we are not interested in printing the article. We only want part of it.” My journalistic ego fell from the tenth floor of the Kimball Tower. They only wanted part of a 750 word column?

George continued. “You had a humorous story in that particular column and we would like permission to re-print it. May we do so?”

As I paused he again broke in. By the way, we are willing to pay $35 for it.” I assured him that they could have it, and the money was fine. (My wife, Susan, later told me I should have held out for $40.) He thanked me and said they would likely print it in a spring issue of the Digest. Then he hung up.

I sat there for a moment thinking. “What if they didn’t want the entire article?” Just about anyone can write for the Reader’s Digest,” I muttered, “but it takes a real skill to write for a newspaper.

Anyway, that’s life in these United States.

Just in case you are interested in what a $35 joke is like, here it is again. Remember you read it first in the Deseret News.

  A middle-aged woman walked into a lawyer’s office and stated that she wanted to divorce her husband. The lawyer asked her to sit down, and he got out his pencil and yellow legal pad. He proceeded to ask the woman some questions.

“Do you have grounds?” he inquired. “Yes.” She replied, “about three-quarters of an acre.”

The lawyer paused for a moment and then asked “Do you have a grudge?” “No,” the woman quickly answered, “but we do have a lovely carport.”

Again the lawyer hesitated and then queried, “Does he beat you up.”

“No, I get up before he does every morning.” The woman reported.

Finally in exasperation the lawyer blurted out “Lady, why do you want to divorce your husband?”

“It’s because,” She explained, “that man cannot carry on an intelligent conversation.”