How to Get Rid of the Marital Blahs

Published July 15, 1982. “Boring, stale, deadly, dull, stagnant – these are words that we use to describe books, breads, ponds, and people. Occasionally, those same words can be applied to marriage.” So state Dick and Paula McDonald, co-authors of the book “Loving Free.”

And the McDonalds caution, “To assure that a relationship stays alive and vital, the two people concerned have to actively look for ways to keep themselves interesting and retain the electricity in their lives together.”

In last week’s column, I cited a major study which indicated that many marriages in the United States often lose the original zest the bride and groom seem to have at the beginning of their marriage. I would like to make a few more comments on this same topic in this week’s column.

In their book “Loving Free,” Dick and Paula also ask the following: “Remember when you two began dating and were eager to share everything? You never wanted to go home no matter how late the hour, because you had a genuine desire to learn as much as you could about each other. Time flew by. You didn’t feel tired, nor were you even bored with each other. And you never seemed to run out of things to discuss.”

The McDonalds continue, “Those were the days when all of us were actively reaching out to know each other and to be close. Did we quit growing because it took away time from our babies and from our heavy work schedule? Did we stop trying to learn about each other because we thought we knew everything – or knew enough? When that day comes in marriage, boredom sets in and your life together can become nothing more than a sad, lonely ritual. A prison for two people tied together by familiarity, children, and possessions.”

How do you keep a marriage vital, alive, and growing? That is what I am asking you, the reader to suggest. Last week I stated that many readers have undoubtedly been successful in enhancing their marital relationship. I invited them, and am again invite you, to sit down with your husband or wife and decide what have been some of the most successful things you have done to keep or regain the vitality in your marriage.

After you have talked it over, write down one or two of your successful experiences. Remember, I am more interested in what you have done rather than what you think should or could be done.

Along with your letter, include a long, stamped, self-addressed envelope. After all the letters are in (and I expect several hundred), I will make a summary and send each respondent a copy. Those who respond will then have numerous other suggestions of what they can do to keep the vitality in their marriage. Only those who share an experience will receive a summary of the results. Others need not inquire or request one.

In conclusion, Dr. Virginia Satir, a well-known marriage and family counselor has written “A Guide for Me and You.” Please consider her thoughts.

I want to love you…without clutching.

I want to appreciate you …without judging.

I want to invite you …without demanding.

I want to ask you …without pleading.

I want to leave you … without guilt feelings.

I want to join you …without invading.

I want to criticize you…without blaming.

I want to help you…without insulting.

If I can have the same from you, we can meet and truly enrich each other.