Extramarital ‘Experience’ a Trend?

Published June 6, 1985. It is one of the most unusual trends in the area of marriage and family studies. In several surveys, 80 percent or more of those questioned indicated that sexual relationships with someone other than a spouse is “always” or “almost always” wrong, inappropriate, or even sinful.

The irony? Even though the vast majority indicate it is wrong, a large number will become involved in affairs, eventually leading to extramarital sexual experiences. Some would simply call it adultery.

How many married people become involved in extramarital sex or EMS? It is difficult to determine. One does not simply pick up a clipboard, go knocking on doors and say “Excuse me, but we’re doing a survey and we were wondering . . .”

But, by one means or another several studies have been done with surprising results. In the early 1950s, Kinsey reported that approximately 30 percent of husbands and 25 percent of wives had participated in extramarital sexual relationships. During the 1960s, 60 percent of husbands and 40 percent of wives were estimated to have strayed beyond the marital fold. Some researchers believed those estimates were high. Others thought them to be low. Whatever the trend, a major study in 1983 estimated that in at least 50 percent of contemporary marriages in the United States, one or both marriage partners will have sexual experiences with a person other than their spouse.

Do we know anything about those who do become involved in extramarital sex? Yes, we do. For men, it tends to be during their 20s. For women it is during the late 30s and early 40s. These years tend to be the respective period of the greatest sex drive and interest, and it has been suggested that women are more likely to become sexually involved with a man other than her husband after the child bearing and nurturing years are over.

The incidence of extramarital sex for males has been found to be greater among the less educated during the early years of marriage. After several years of matrimony, however, the rate is greater among the more highly educated males.

Extramarital sex is also more common among the less religiously devout and among children of parents with permissive moral values. In his book “The Affair,” Morton Hunt reported that people who have a variety of sexual partners before marriage have a difficult time limiting themselves to one person afterward. In addition, those couples with low marital and sexual satisfaction are more likely to look for other sexual partners.

How do extramarital relationships begin? It has been found that curiosity and desire for sexual variety, as mentioned, are two main reasons. Others include escape from boredom, reinforcement of self-image, a search for emotional intimacy, and finally, a desire of retaliation against a marriage partner.

What are the effects of extramarital sex on marriage? Do we need research to tell us? One study of unfaithful wives indicated that 85 percent divorced their husbands within five years. Another study found that in over 90 percent of the marriages where extramarital sex occurred, the incident had caused emotional estrangement and lessened the sexual satisfaction within the marriage.