Love vs Commitment in Marriage

Published July 31, 1986. A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to talk to a young woman. She was engaged to be married, and the wedding was just a few days away. But as is sometimes the case, she was having second thoughts about the marriage. Was she doing the right thing? Was she marrying the right person?

With all due respect, her mother was not helping the situation. The mother would call her daughter on the phone each night and ask again and again the question, "Do you love him?” The implication was if she did love the young man, she should marry him. If she didn’t love him, she should not. It was supposedly that simple.

The young woman said she was confused. Sometimes she felt that she did love him . . . intensely. But other times when they were together the emotion was not as high, and then she wasn’t sure if she loved him or not. Her feelings about marriage seemed to rise and fall with the emotional intensity of the relationship.

I asked my young friend a few questions. The first one was, “Do you love him?” She hesitated and then said, “Yes, I do.”

Then she went on to say that her love didn’t seem to be like that of one of her roommates, who was also engaged. She stated that the roommate seemed so emotional, so ecstatic, so elated about her marriage.

So I asked my second question. “Describe your feelings toward your fiancée.” Again, she hesitated and then answered in one word: “Comfortable.”

I suggested that was the best kind of love to have. A comfortable feeling toward an intended husband or wife is an excellent basis on which to begin a marriage. So often, as with her roommate, those who experience intense “highs” in love also have the capacity to experience intense “lows.”

My third question had to do with the wedding ceremony itself. I asked, “Are you ready to commit yourself to marriage?” This time she hesitated for nearly a minute. Then she said, “I’m not sure.”

We laughed about her answer. I told her when she comes to the point in the marriage ceremony where she should say, “I do,” that she could replace it with “perhaps,” maybe,” or “I’ll try.” My point was that a wedding ceremony is a time of commitment, and you don’t have to wait until that suspenseful moment to decide. When one marries, it should not be contingent solely on love or emotional intensity. It should also be based on commitment.

I told the young woman about a famous court case a few years ago involving actor Lee Marvin and Michelle Triola, his live-in girlfriend of several years. They separated, and since they were not married, she could not sue for alimony. Instead, she sued for what became known as “palimony.”

During the court hearing Michelle’s lawyer asked Lee Marvin if he loved Michelle? He replied that he did. Most felt at that point that Michelle would win the case, since Lee admitted that he loved her.

But then Lee Marvin’s own lawyer asked him, under oath, an interesting question. He asked Lee if he was committed to Michelle? Lee Marvin answered that he was not.

A legal distinction was made between “love” and “commitment.” Lee Marvin’s lawyer saved him a lot of palimony money because he proved that even though you love someone it does not mean you are, or should be, committed to marriage. The truth is we can become intensely emotionally involved with individuals who would not necessarily make a good husband or wife.

There were a few more moments of silence, and then my young friend told me she was going to commit to her forthcoming marriage. She got up, shook my hand and left my office. Because of both her love and commitment I’ll bet she has become a first-rate wife to some fortunate young man.

Love and commitment. They are not necessarily the same, but both are essential for a successful marriage. Do you agree?