Meeting Your Own Needs in Marriage

Published December 4, 1986. Most of us have been brought up with the idea that it is selfish to be concerned about our own personal interests and needs. Particularly so after marriage. We are encouraged to be loving, giving, and attentive to the needs of our marriage partner right from the beginning.

There is wisdom in the advice. Certainly two people who enter marriage with self-serving attitudes will experience much frustration and conflict. There must be yielding by both husband and wife if the marriage is going to survive.

Like all good things, however, the altruistic attitude of serving and nurturing the needs of a spouse can be abused. For instance, a “giver” may be married to a “taker” who will, indeed, allow the other to serve and give throughout the entire marriage.

Many Christians have also been reared with the concept of JOY: Jesus, Others and You, in that order. This philosophy is advocated in the Bible and suggests we lose ourselves in the service of others in order to find meaning and direction in life. And who can argue with this age-old wisdom?

But even the JOY philosophy can be abused. Marriage counselors and educators have found many people, particularly wives, who start out in marriage to be loving, nurturing, and giving. But in so doing, they expect to be nurtured and emotionally supported in return. They have found they can literally give themselves out in marriage if, at some point, they do not have some of their own needs met. Emotional burnout is becoming all too common.

Marriages that function well are those in which the husband and wife have many of their own specific needs met. To accomplish this, it is essential that both husband and wife convey to each other what their needs are.

In their book “The Good Couple Life,” Demetri and Lynn Liontos list some common needs individuals have in marriage. They suggest a couple review the list individually and then discuss it together. Hopefully, they can then better determine how each person can be better served.

Here are what many people list as their individual needs in marriage:

1. Time by myself
2. Time alone with my partner
3. Time together away from home
4. To be accepted as I am
5. To express my own love more fully
6. More involvement in decisions
7. Trust
8. Spiritual fulfillment
9. Emotional support
10. More variety in my life
11. To share feelings
12.  Freedom to express my feelings openly
13.  My partner’s understanding of my stress and responsibilities
14. To be treated as a unique individual
15. Equality
16.  Receiving small courtesies and considerations
17. Forgiveness
18. Commitment
19. Sexual fulfillment
20. To share common interests
21. Recognition
22. Evidence that I am appreciated
23. My partner’s understanding of the importance I place on work

Are any of these your own specific needs in your marriage? Why not talk them over with your spouse. It isn’t selfish. It is just looking after your own interests.

And by having many of your own needs met in life, you will also probably be a better spouse or parent. As someone once said, “You can’t serve from an empty tray.”