Life Is More Important Than Grades and Clean Bedrooms to Teenagers

Published November 5, 1987. Brian and Jon read the column I wrote about them last week. Our sons knew in advance what I was going to say, but they still received some kidding from neighbors, teachers, and friends at school.

We were sitting in the kitchen the other night discussing the column when Brian asked, “Why are parents so concerned about grades in school anyway?

We tried to explain that grades are one way to measure progress or the lack of it in educational endeavors. Brian finally replied. “But parents should realize that there are things more important to teenagers than grades.”

“Like what?” I asked.

“Life,” he answered, “life is more important than grades.”

“And just what comprises ‘life?’” I asked the junior philosopher.

“Lots of things,” he replied with his generalized wisdom. “Parents need to keep things in perspective.”

Susan and I glanced at each other.

“And don’t start those ‘When-we-were-in-high-school’ stories either,” Brian cautioned. “And you know what else bugs me?"

“You both are always after me about my room. ‘Is your room picked up? . . . Is the basement bathroom clean?' That’s all I ever hear.”

About the basement bathroom and shower. Brian and Jon share it and are supposed to take turns cleaning. Susan and I try not to complain too much. But when the boys come out of the shower dirtier than when they go in, we think it is time they clean it up.

And about their bedrooms. They may be right. Every LDS mother in Utah must live in constant fear that the stake Relief Society president is going to stop by and check their children’s rooms for cleanliness.

But children view their rooms differently. Like grades, a clean room is less important to teenagers than to parents. To a teenager, their room seems to be little more than a pit stop along the freeway of life. And most of us know what pit stops look like.

Susan and I wonder and worry sometimes. Do other parents have the same experiences with their teenagers? Then we read a book not long ago that was consoling.

William Dyer and Phillip Kunz of BYU have some interesting insights in their book “Effective Mormon Families.” They asked 200 LDS families, “At what age have you found your children the most difficult to rear?” On page 149 are the following responses:

AGE            HARDEST TO REAR

0-5                        8 percent

6-12                      5 percent

13-15                    41 percent

16-18                    32 percent

19-21                    4 percent

Over 21                 1 percent

Brian is 16. And Jon is 14. The research gives us hope. Perhaps other teenagers do not like to talk to parents about such things like grades and clean bedrooms. There may be too many other important things.