Love Doesn’t Vanish – It Just Varies

Published November 15, 1979. Not long ago, I was talking to a young man who had been married just a few months. He mentioned during our conversation that his new bride had recently accused him of not loving her anymore. And he confided that he was not sure he still loved her. It is a discouraging time in a marriage when husbands and wives claim they neither love nor feel loved by their spouse.

We often think of love as an all-or-nothing phenomena. Either we love our marriage partner, or we don’t. Or, we may decide that our spouse previously loved us but no longer does. Sometimes we also view love as an illusive butterfly . . . difficult to capture, magnificent after attaining, and extremely fragile upon possession

I suggested to the young groom that they probably still loved each other (which he admitted) but the intensity of their love may have slightly diminished after the initial rapture of their wedding and honeymoon. Defining love only as an emotion leaves it susceptible to variation. Few married couples feel the same high emotional intensity towards each other at all times, even though they may be deeply committed to their relationship.

Other events and circumstances outside the marital relationship may also demand the interest and attention of a husband or wife. Subsequently, his or her marriage partner may feel they are competing with these events for their spouse’s time and interest. Jobs, college, children, parents, hobbies, and involvement in community and church activities are among the competitors that may cause a husband or wife to feel ignored, or unloved. Rather than defining love as an "either/or" situation, why not realize that during the married years the intensity of the emotion will vary up and down, even if it is ever so slightly. It is during downward fluctuations that we be tempted to accuse the other of not loving us just because we feel the intensity less.

Dr. James Dobson, family specialist from the University of Southern California has asked the following in his book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women":

“How many vulnerable young couples “fall in love” with love on the first date . . . and lock themselves in marriage before the natural swing of their emotions has even progressed through the first dip? They then wake up one morning without that neat feeling and conclude that love has died. In reality, it was never there in the first place. They were fooled by an emotional high.”

He further notes, “Even when a man and woman love each other deeply and genuinely, they will find themselves supercharged on one occasion and emotionally bland on another. However, their love is not defined by the highs and lows but is dependent on a commitment of their will.”

It is rare when a professional counselor or educator will disclose something of his own personal marriage experiences. Dr. Dobson does that, however, by including a letter he wrote to his wife Shirley on their eighth wedding anniversary. It reads as follows:

To Shirley, on the occasion of our Eighth Anniversary,

I’m sure you remember the many, many occasions during our eight years of marriage when the tide of love and affection soared high above the crest . . . times when our feelings for each other were almost limitless.

This kind of intense emotion can’t be brought about voluntarily, but it often accompanies a time of particular happiness. We felt it when I was offered my first professional position. We felt it when the world’s most precious child came home from the maternity ward of Huntington Hospital. We felt it when the University of Southern California chose to award a doctoral degree to me. But emotions are strange.

We felt the same closeness when the opposite kind of event took place, when threat and potential disaster entered our lives. We felt an intense closeness when a medical problem threatened to postpone our marriage plans. We felt it when you were hospitalized last year. I felt it intensely when I knelt over your unconscious form after a grinding automobile accident.

I’m trying to say this: both happiness and threat bring that overwhelming appreciation and affection for our beloved sweethearts. But the fact is most of life is made up of neither disaster nor unusual hilarity. Rather it is composed of the routine, calm, everyday events in which we participate. And during these times, I enjoy the quiet, serene love that actually surpasses the effervescent display, in many ways. It is not as exuberant, perhaps, but it runs deep and solid.

I find myself firmly in that kind of love on this eighth anniversary. Today I feel the steady and quiet affection that comes from a devoted heart. I am committed to you and your happiness, more now than I’ve ever been. I want to remain your sweetheart.

When events throw us together emotionally, we will enjoy the thrill and romantic excitement. But during life’s routines, like today, my love stands undiminished. Happy Anniversary to my wonderful wife.

(Signed) Your Jim

We thank Dr. Dobson and his wife Shirley for reminding us that the intensity of love usually varies, rather than diminishes, in marriage if we are committed. And during the emotional lows, we need to constantly remind ourselves that the highs can return.