Expect, Encourage Growth

Published February 23, 1979. What should a person or a couple expect from marriage?

While the motives for getting married vary, as do the expectations people have for marrying, there seems to be one underlying assumption that most husbands and wives share. They both feel they should be better people because of their martial relationship.

Like most other married couples, Susan and I have found, much to our chagrin, that we have picked up some of each other’s undesirable habits and attitudes.

More importantly, however, we have also found that we each assimilated many of the good and positive qualities that the other possesses.

Furthermore, we have finally become aware of the symbiotic relationship in marriage, and we have noticed that this exchange can produce both individual growth and growth in our marital relationship.

The idea that marriage can be a dynamic, changing relationship rather than a static, routine involvement is an appealing concept. This was brought vividly to my attention a few years ago while attending a joint session of the National Council on Family Relations and the American Association of Marriage and Family Counselors in St. Louis.

One of the speakers was Dr. Sidney Jourard, noted author, teacher, and psychotherapist from the University of Florida in Gainesville.

Rather than follow tradition, Dr. Jourard chose to talk about his own marriage, a highly unusual thing for a professional person to do before an audience of 1,200 people. His decision, however, was consistent with the theme in one of his most popular books, “The Transparent Self,” which states we cannot expect others to be open and honest with us unless we first demonstrate a willingness to do so.

Dr. Jourard’s presentation was titled “Marriage is for Life,” which he interpreted should mean “marriage should enhance life” and promote mutual growth and development in both husband and wife.

All too often, he claimed, a man and woman are attracted to each other for specific reasons or attributes. Then after the marriage, many husbands and wives try to keep each other just as they were when they first met, thereby making change, and essentially growth, impossible.

He suggested that may people are, in fact, threatened by change and equate change with disintegration of the relationship. Dr. Jourard also noted that many marital troubles, including some of his own, begin once the euphoric period of the honeymoon is over and the married couple change back to being themselves, much to the alarm of their newly acquired spouse.

Indications of change in a martial relationship, he stated, need not necessarily be a sign of martial disintegration, but are actually an indication that the natural, normal phenomena of growth is occurring. Rather than trying to fight or inhibit the change, the Florida psychotherapist suggested he and his wife had found it better to adapt and adjust to change. He noted that his wife had changed so much through the years that he was into his second marriage with the same woman and had never been divorced.

Perhaps Dr. Jourard’s suggestion could be taken one step further by not only trying to anticipate and adapt to change in a relationship, but also actively seeking to bring it about.

If a marital relationship were such that both husband and wife individually grow in the relationship, if both seek to foster growth for themselves, and more importantly for each other, marriage would certainly take on an exciting dimension. By so doing, perhaps marriage would become more meaningful.