Dousing the Spark of an Old Flame

Published February 14, 1980.

QUESTION: We have been married for about a year, and everything has been going fine except for one thing. I keep thinking about a fellow to whom I was engaged before I met my husband. I find myself thinking about my former boyfriend from time to time and even dream about him on occasion. Is this normal, or is there something wrong with me? Does it mean anything about my present relationship with my husband?

ANSWER: You are quite normal, and your situation is fairly common, since the vast majority of us usually become involved in one or two love relationships that do not lead to marriage. The impact of a former relationship on marriage, other than in divorce, is one of the most neglected areas in marriage and family studies. I have seen some young people become so devastated from breaking off an engagement that it takes them months to recover. Some never recover at all and choose to remain single the rest of their lives rather than risk the pain of separation again. After breaking up some will quickly get into another relationship to show themselves, their former boy or girlfriend and often family that they are capable of loving and being loved. These on-the-rebound relationships often lead to marriage and frequently end up with disastrous consequences.

While divorce therapy has become more prominent during the past few years, we have not given enough attention to helping people get out of relationships before marriage. It is better to have a pre-marital rather than a post marital divorce, if a break-up is necessary.

After marriage, some husbands and wives find themselves still attracted to other men and women. Whatever the cause, they feel that if they remain attracted to someone other than their spouse, they are not now in love and should terminate their marriage. Some have naively done so, only to find after re-marriage that they still continue to be attracted to others. Rather than chase butterflies and seek happiness elsewhere, many of us should examine our present situation, learn to be content, and seek happiness in our marriage.

Many married women, and I suppose married men also, retain mementos from former boyfriends and girlfriends. And if they do not retain the mementos, they retain the thoughts symbolized as you have noted. Some keep old love letters, pictures, rings, or gifts for sentimental reasons. When the present relationship becomes shaky, out comes the items as a means of solace and a reminder that “someone out there once loved me and perhaps still does.”

While it may be somewhat normal to retain pleasant thoughts of a former relationship, we should be careful not to let them interfere with our marriages. The thoughts are usually harmless unless one chooses to constantly dwell on them. This phenomenon, known as psychic infidelity or mental wanderlust, can be highly disruptive to a marriage if one is frequently thinking about the former friend or wondering how a marriage to them may have been if things had worked out.

You need not try to totally forget your former boyfriend nor need you feel guilty or ashamed because of him. The time you spent together was not a lost cause, even though you did not marry. You both matured a little and contributed to each other’s’ lives at that particular time.

But since you did not marry each other, you should re-examine your present commitment to your husband and remember your wedding vows to forsake all others, mentally as well as physically. The total efforts of both husband and wife are needed to meet the demands of contemporary marriage. All interests and energy invested in others only serves to undermine your marital relationship.

If necessary, burn his old love letters if you still have them. Perhaps gifts and other mementos should also be discarded if they are interfering with your marriage.

Be careful not to fan the spark of an old flame. While fire may provide warmth and comfort, it can also be consuming.