Don’t Overload Marriage with Joint Decisions

Published June 3, 1982. Last week I wrote about the importance of both husband and wife helping make major decisions in contemporary marriage. I quoted Dr. Richard Stuart’s book “Helping Couples Change” where he noted there are five distinct categories on decision-making in marriage. Those categories are (1) husband only decides; (2) husband decides after consulting with wife; (3) both decide together; (4) wife decides after consulting with husband, and (5) wife only decides.

There seems to be difficulty in today’s marriages if either husband or wife alone makes all the decisions. This places an inordinate amount of power in one person. Traditionally, men have made most of the decisions in marriage, but the women’s movement of the past decade has changed many things. This has included our perceptions of husband/wife relationships.

There once was a popular television program “Father Knows Best.” Rather symbolically, this program is no longer shown. Many today do not believe that Father always knows best just because he is a man or the father. Some of us are just beginning to realize what most women have known for years. Wives and mothers sometimes know best as well. And contemporary women want their thoughts and opinions given due consideration.

Toward the end of last week’s article I also noted that many people believe the ideal marriage would be one where most decisions are category 3, “both decide together” on almost everything. Some of you may have raised your eyebrows when I suggested that this, too, may be questionable. Here’s why.

We ought to be careful not to overload our marriage with the trivia of the day. There are many decisions in almost all marriages that could and should be categories 1-2 and 4-5. That leaves category 3 for the most essential areas that require considerable deliberation or discussion.

In my own marriage, we have found there are many decisions that are best made by one person. For example, Susan makes most, if not all, of the decisions about food purchases. She is good at it, understands nutrition, and is a shrewd shopper. We lose money and do not eat well when I shop for food. How long can a family live on frozen pizza and Kool-Aid? (We did it not long ago for several days while Mom was away.)

Susan, on the other hand, has agreed that I make the decisions about our automobiles. She has one goal when she gets in the car. She wants to turn on the key and go. If the car has oil in it, fine. If not, no big deal. I have agreed to assume the responsibility for keeping oil in the cars, keeping them lubricated, making tire purchases, etc.

In most marriages, like ours, there are many areas where one has greater skills and/or interests. These talents could be put to good use if both can agree who should be deciding what. And remember that the one who assumes the responsibility for making a 1-2 or 4-5 decisions usually has the responsibility for implementing the decision as well.

Then there are those areas of major importance that require that both husband and wife participate in the decision-making process. Deciding how to discipline the children is one area where both should participate. Another area would be how to spend the money. It is a rare occasion where either husband or wife is in total control of family finances. If so, there needs to be frequent, rational discussion about where the money is coming from and where it is going.

In summary, save category 3, “both decide together” for a few major areas of common interest. Relegate as many decisions as possible to the 1-2 or 4-5 categories. Doing so might add some oil to what otherwise might be a rusty relationship.