Do We Need Sometimes to Look Then Recommit to Our Marriages?

Published August 7, 1986. Last week I wrote about an experience I had with a young woman who was about to marry. We discussed the difference between love and commitment. I suggested it is possible to be in love with people to whom we are not committed. And it is possible to be committed to individuals with whom we are not in love.

Commitment is receiving more attention today by marriage counselors and educators. Almost all couples begin their marriage with a ceremony of pledges and commitment. But these promises are often forgotten within a matter of months or weeks. Sometimes even days. I know of one marriage that lasted only three weeks.

Even though we make serious and often sacred vows of commitment at the time of marriage, do we periodically need to re-commit to our marriage? Some say not. Once is or should be enough. Others, including myself, disagree. I believe that couples need to constantly commit, or recommit, to each other and their marriage.

What is commitment? Commitment is to pledge and devote oneself with an act or statement of promise and obligation. A wedding anniversary is an excellent time to recommit to our marriage. It could also be done at any other time that seems appropriate, particularly during difficult times of stress. Some like to verbally recommit. Others like to do it in writing.

Here is a Statement of Commitment you might, on occasion, like to read alone or to each other. It gives some ideas of what recommitting to a husband or wife means.

STATEMENT OF COMMITMENT

“Our marriage is not a finished product. It is an experience, a relationship that is being created and recreated continually. It is an ongoing process to which we must commit ourselves each day, making again the decision to share life together. This commitment and the vows we have made serve as a reminder to us that in the midst of all the possibilities of separation which are open to us, we have decided again to be faithful to the commitment we have made to each other.

We commit once again to value and love each other. We commit to share together life’s joys, sorrows, fears, successes, and failures. We commit again to the continued growth of our marital relationship. By so doing, we also celebrate the joys and love we have experienced thus far.

We give to each other once again a love that is patient, a love that is kind, a love that endures. We pledge a love that is not jealous or possessive, a love that is not proud or selfish, a love that is not rude or inconsiderate. Our love for each other will not insist on its own way, will not be irritable or resentful, will not keep an account of wrongs or failures. It will rejoice when good prevails. Our love will know no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope. It will outlast everything. Our love will stand when all else around us has fallen. Our love together will have three qualities: faith, hope, love – but the greatest of these will be our love for each other.”

(Adapted from “Marriage Enrichment: Philosophy, Process and Program” Larry Hof and William R. Miller, Bowie, Maryland, Robert J. Brady Company, 1981, pp. 151-152.)