Getting Along with the In-Laws

Published July 22, 1982. When a couple decides to marry, they marry each other’s family in many ways. While each is used to his or her own parents, brothers, sisters, etc., a whole new set of relatives is acquired through marriage. And in the years to come they will continue to interact with these newly acquired relatives.

The stereotype of a doting mother-in-law, who overpowers her son-in-law, has generally proven to be false. Most husbands, according to research, report they get along fairly well with their wife’s mother.

If there is a trouble area with in-laws for newly weds, it tends to be with the bride and her mother-in-law. In many ways a new wife competes with her husband’s mother during the initial stages of the marriage. As with most other adjustments during the early years of marriage, the one with in-laws is usually worked out.

In their book “Before You Say ‘I Do’,” Wes Roberts and Norman Wright have a chapter on in-laws. In it they ask engaged couples to consider and discuss some important questions before the wedding ceremony. Here are some of them:

1. Describe the ideal in-law relationship from your perspective. Share this with your fiancé.
2. Describe what you think would be the ideal in-law relationship from your parents’ perspective and from that of your fiancé’s parents.
3. If your parents were to help you get started financially, what might they expect in return?
4. How do your parents feel about your plans for marriage?
5. What emotional ties with your parents interfere with your current relationship? Explain.
6. How do you think your future in-laws view you?
7. What would you consider to be “interference” by your in-laws?
8. How did you get along with your mother and father during your childhood?
9. Describe your present relationship with your mother and father.
10. How do you think your parents view your partner?
11. What three things about your partner’s parents do you really appreciate?
12. What one thing about your partner’s parents do you dislike?
13. What customs in your home differ from those in your partner’s home.
14. Describe how and where you would like to spend your first Thanksgiving and Christmas.
15. What have you done in the past to let both your own parents and your in-laws know that they are important to you?
16. Describe what you have done to discover from your parents or in-laws what kind of relationship they expect from you and your fiancé. (Such as how often to visit or call, their involvement in disciplining children, etc.) What can you do about this in the future?
17. In the past how have you helped your parents or in-laws meet their own needs and develop a greater meaning in life? How could you help them do this in the future?

In conclusion, Roberts and Wright note, “What would happen if you were to write a letter to your future in-laws and share with them why you are looking forward to having them as your in-laws? And at the same time, you could thank them for providing your fiancé for you. It may increase the satisfaction in your future marital relationship.”

The Bible teaches that when we marry, we should leave father and mother (Genesis 2:24) and honor father and mother (Exodus 20:12). Discussing these questions before and during marriage could help a married couple do both.