Divorce Is a Demeaning Term

Published October 7, 1982. A few columns back I wrote about the need to be more sensitive to people in our communities who are single. Many agreed and wrote in expressing similar sentiments.

One woman stated in her letter “I was very gratified to read your article in the Desert News titled ‘Be Sensitive to Single People.’ Seven years ago, I was divorced and now hate the word ‘divorce’ and my status as a ‘single parent’ derived from the attitudes and expressions of my supposed friends. With the exception of my family and a few other acquaintances, most people I know seem to think that if they just ignore single people we will ‘go away,’ or the implications that such could happen to them will ‘go away.’

It still bothers me that some of the people I considered my closest friends severed any relationship with me after my divorce, except for occasional contact with me in church on Sunday.”

“I see people,” she continued “who are married but are obviously neither very mature or happy because of the things they say. Yet they seem in some subtle way to imply that just because I am divorced I am a second-class citizen.”

And the woman from Salt Lake pointed out something else to me. In my plea for sensitivity to singles, I apparently was insensitive. She continued “in one of your paragraphs you said something that bothered me. You said, and I quote, “Divorced people have also shared with me their concern that because they have failed in one aspect of life, others believe they have failed in all. It is the word ‘failed’ I would like to discuss.”

“I resent the fact that all persons who are divorced are assumed to have failed. I do not feel that I failed as a wife. I was far from perfect, and I certainly do not claim that I didn’t have any faults. But I was actually perfect in four ways (1) I was perfect in my commitment to my husband and my family, (2) I was perfect in my loyalty to my husband my family; (3) I was perfect in my desire to keep my marriage and family together; and (4) I was perfect in my complete love, faith, and trust in my husband.”

The woman concluded “Even after my husband told me he had been unfaithful to me, I forgave him and was willing to do anything I could to keep our family together. And after he left home, I was still willing to try and put our marriage back together.

“He insisted on leaving home and also insisted on me initiating the divorce. He even started going out with a woman before our divorce was granted, let alone final. So, I feel that I was a victim of divorce and not that I failed. Perhaps I failed in my initial choice of the person I married. But I really resent it when a divorce is considered a failure for both persons involved.”

I appreciate this woman for writing. After re-reading my article I can see how I implied what she mentioned. But I do now, and I did then, agree with her. It is possible in many divorces that one party is more responsible for the separation than the other. I do believe, however, that in the majority of cases, both husband and wife contribute to the causes of the eventual separation.

The woman who wrote in did not claim she was without fault, but she also stated she did not fail. And there is a difference. She simply reminded us that many divorces can be very one-sided. Her point is well taken. So she has written. So let it be.

In closing may I make one more suggestion. I would like to see the word “divorcee” stricken from our vocabulary and everyday use. It seems so demeaning to only be known as a “divorcee.” Such individuals have other identities, and like anyone else, they also have names.  In our quest for sensitivity to singles, perhaps we could refrain from referring to them as “divorcees.”