Facts About Wives and Fulfillment

Published July 7, 1983. A few weeks ago I wrote a column about husbands and sexuality. At the conclusion I commented that in a future column I would write about wives and sexual fulfillment. Since then I have had second thoughts about doing so.

A few women contacted me and, in a good-natured way, asked in jest what I knew about sexuality from a woman’s perspective. After much consideration, I have decided to write the column anyway. So here goes. You be the judge.

The fact is that women do differ from men in matters and perceptions regarding sexuality. Sexuality from a man’s perspective is relatively constant and simplistic. Mostly stimuli and response. What pleases a man on one occasion will usually please him at another. And men are generally alike in that what is fulfilling to one is usually fulfilling to another. So in these matters wives may think of husbands like a simple organism. Somewhat like an amoeba. With controlled stimuli there is a predictable response.

Not so with women. Sexual fulfillment for women is a little different—not that it is either less important or intense. In some recent studies it has been found to be greater for women than for men. Women are highly individualistic and a little less predictable in sexual response. What is pleasing on one occasion may not always be so at another time. And what is particularly fulfilling to some women may not necessarily to be so to others.

Therefore, for a husband to help his wife attain sexual satisfaction, it is necessary for him to understand her unique likes, dislikes, and interests.

Then there is the quantity vs. the quality issue. If husbands were asked how to improve the sexual relationship of the marriage, the vast majority would say increase the frequency or quantity. Wives, however, are not as concerned with quantity as they are with quality. “More” is not necessarily “better.” Most women would say it is far better to try and please one another each time an attempt is made than it is to keep counts on frequency.

There is also the difference in perception of the “preliminaries” vs. the “main event.” For almost all husbands, sexual relations means one thing—intercourse. What precedes it, however, is equally if not more important for most women. Not that they do not enjoy intercourse. They do. But most husbands do not understand that wives can have highly sexual relationships with their husbands that may or may not include intercourse. Touch, talk, seclusion and a little romance are all part of the main event for women.

Finally, there are some myths that have existed about women and sexuality, and for some, still do exist. Some of these include (1) women are not as interested in sexuality as are men; (2) the sexual interest and response of women must always equal or be like that of men; (3) women are slower to respond to stimuli than are men (they just respond to different stimuli); (4) menopause or a hysterectomy terminates a woman’s sex life; (5) a woman’s sexual desire and ability decreases markedly after the age of 40 or 50; (6) simultaneous orgasm for a husband and wife are more satisfactory than those experienced alternately and are, moreover, necessary for sexual compatibility in marriages; and (7) sexual problems in marriage inevitably spell its doom. These are simply myths.

Well, women, how did I do? Should this column be taped on the refrigerator door?