Defining the Terms

Published September 24, 1987. A student stopped me in the hall at BYU the other day. She said she was interested in becoming a marriage counselor and asked me what to study to become one. After a few moments of thought I said, “English.”

She was somewhat surprised and asked for an explanation. First, I told her any skills that could be acquired in expressing one’s ideas to others would be helpful in almost any occupation. This would include writing, public speaking, and, today, the use of computers in word processing.

But I also suggested there are other reasons why I think marriage counselors or anyone else involved in the marriage process should study English. I am intrigued how the choice of words affect a marital relationship.

For instance, the use of the words, “always” and “never” by married couples interests me. A young wife in a recent counseling session said to her husband “You never help me with the children.”

The husband became angry and very defensive and reminded her and me of a few times in the past that he had, indeed, done something he thought was helpful in taking care of their two children. The husband responded to the word “never” rather than hearing her concern that he “seldom” or “infrequently” assisted in child rearing.

Still hurt with her accusation of “never” helping with the children, the husband then said, “You always criticize me in front of others.” She became tearful and recounted several instances in the past where she had not publicly rehearsed his wrong doings but reminded him she could have. She was now responding to the word “always” rather than hearing his overall concern that she not belittle him or berate him in front of others.

Words such as “always” and “never” should be used with caution when expressing concerns to a spouse. Repeated use often diverts marriage couples from the real issues being expressed.

Lack of clarity is another English challenge. When they are asked to express a desired change in their marital relationship, husbands or wives will often use general phrases such as “be more loving,” “be more thoughtful,” “pay more attention to the children,” “be more religious,” “communicate more,” or “be a better lover.” While the one making such requests may have some idea what these general phrases mean, they are often vague and ambiguous to their spouse.

It is only when we define our terminology that the statements take on meaning. “To be more religious,” for instance, might better be stated as “attend church with me once or twice a month.” “Play with the children a half hour each evening” is more helpful as a request than simply demanding that a husband “pay more attention to the children.”

One intriguing phrase often used by wives around here is, “I want my husband to treat me special.” I often wonder if “special” is a Utah word and what it actually means. We use the word so frequently that it has almost become meaningless. So, if I am your husband and you want me to treat you “special,” you will have to define for me what that means.

To wives, being treated “special” may mean tenderness, gifts, dinner, and dancing. To husbands, it may mean taking his wife along on the deer hunt or buying her an extra bag of French fries when taking her out to eat.

The choice and meaning of words in marital communication is critical. We must define our terms and sometimes elaborate on key phrases.