Err on the Side of Too Much Togetherness

Published on December 24, 1987. Most married couples know the wisdom in spending an adequate amount of time together as husband and wife. And during the next few days many of us will have some time to do just that as we celebrate Christmas and the New Year.

In past columns I have written on this somewhat controversial topic. The suggestion was made to have a balance in mutuality and autonomy. We need time alone – as individuals – to maintain some privacy in our active married and family life. We also need time alone to mature and develop as individuals. One of my favorite quotes is by Khalil Gibran, who wrote in the early 1920s that “the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

But I guess if I had to err one way or another it would be to spend too much time together as husband and wife rather than too little. It is probably more difficult for couples to try to generate more shared activities than it is to try to cut back on a few.

In a recent issue of the “American Sociological Review,” sociologists Paul Kingston and Steven Nock of the University of Virginia reported on their study of 321 married couples regarding shared time and togetherness. Much to their surprise, married couples who were both employed spent only a half-hour less per day together than did single-income couples. The ratio was 3.2 hours vs 3.8 hours daily respectively.

The researchers noted, “Dual-earner couples apparently try hard to share time, but that half hour can apparently make a difference in the quality of the marriage.” Questions about happiness and understanding between contemporary married couples in their study revealed that “Greater amounts of togetherness produce more satisfying marriages.”

As noted in previous columns, however, the truth is that you can get too much of a good thing. Most husbands and wives do need short periods of time away from each other on occasion. But another interesting aspect of Kingston’s and Nock’s study was that certain types of shared activities were more beneficial than others “The more time together,” they noted, “in activities such as eating, playing, and conversing, the more satisfying the marriage.” But they also found that time spent in activities such as joint childcare, housework, watching television, or community service had no significant difference on their marital satisfaction.

The researchers foresee some real threats to contemporary marriages if couples

do not schedule leisure time together. The challenge to maintain intimacy appears very real. Couples, they note, may come to depend upon each other economically, but become so busy in the process that they lack the time and capability to sustain each other emotionally.

If you and your spouse are going to spend a little time together during the holidays, what is it you both enjoy doing? Kingston and Nock suggest that before you invest in the activity (financially, emotionally or time wise) why not talk it over and see if it is worth the investment. If not, try another activity you both would like to do.

The bottom line for husbands is that spending six to eight hours with your wife on New Year’s Day watching football on television may not do much for your marriage. Just remember, if you watch three consecutive football games, she might have you declared legally dead and may even try to collect insurance.