Even the Best of Parents Make Mistakes

Published May 22, 1980. 

QUESTION: My wife and I recently had our first child and are making the adjustment to being new parents. She is, however, very sensitive and is afraid of making a mistake with the baby. She is hesitant to take the baby out to church or other social gatherings for fear of what others will say if she is not able to keep the baby quiet.

It seems she has an image of what a good mother should be and does not want to make a mistake in public. It is causing some difficulty in our marriage. What would you recommend?

ANSWER: Your wife’s concern for wanting to be a “good” mother is quite common as is her desire to seek peer approval. But when either of these two trends are taken to the extreme, they can be disastrous to both parenthood and marriage.

In their book “A Guide to Rational Living,” Dr. Albert Ellis and Dr. Robert Harper have noted “several powerful, irrational, and illogical ideas stand in the way of our leading anxiety-free, unhostile lives. One of the greatest of these is the idea that it is a dire necessity for an adult to be loved or approved by almost everyone for virtually everything he or she does.”

The two psychologists report that most human beings want acceptance from others. In addition, we tend to be happier and more productive when we obtain some measure of approval. But wants, preferences, and desires, they state, are still not needs or necessities. While we would prefer social approval, we do not really need it.

It may well be that we make too many comparisons when it comes to parenting. We worry how our own children compare to those of our neighbors and friends. And we often are found comparing one child against another, wondering why their achievements are not equal. In addition, as you have indicated, we often compare ourselves with other parents and fret because we apparently do not seem to have the skills, attitudes, or apparent outcomes.

One of the great drawbacks in contemporary America, I believe, is not that parents don’t try hard enough. It is that many people become preoccupied with parenting, become too self-conscious and, in essence, try too hard.

Being an effective parent requires persistent effort and thought. But even in the best of families, mistakes are going to be made by both parents and children. The outcomes in rearing children do not come about as the result of following some recipe in child-rearing practices.

Children will mature and grow, hopefully with, but sometimes in spite of parental efforts.

I would highly recommend that parents, particularly new ones, relax a little more with their children. Make a concerted effort to rear them, but also learn to enjoy them. And in the process, allow for some mistakes to occur.

Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs has observed in his book “Children: The Challenge,” that parental perfection is an impossible goal, and striving for it seldom leads to improvement, but more often to giving up in despair.”

He concludes, “We all make mistakes. Very few are disastrous. Many times we won’t even know that a given action is a mistake until after it is done, and we see the results! Sometimes we even have to make the mistake in order to find out that it is a mistake. We must have the courage to be imperfect and to allow our children also to be imperfect. Only in this way can we function, progress, and grow.”