Every Marriage Will Be Tried and Tested

Published November 21, 1985. I was in California last weekend and participated in two marriage seminars. I made an observation there that I have seldom made before, but one I believe to be true.

Every marriage will be tried and tested in various ways.

This observation is borne out by a 40 percent divorce rate in the United States (50 percent now in some areas), which is obviously a result of overwhelming trials for those involved.

But what about the remaining 60 percent of the married couples who do not divorce? Do they also undergo various tests? I believe so.

But most of us will likely be tested more with the “multiple micros,” which include burnt toast or roast, heavy rain or deep snow, unattended dirty socks or underwear, a flat tire, a dead battery in the car, a crowded freeway, a stalled automobile, confusion about schedules, missed appointments, headaches, failure to give recognition, or various combinations.

Carl Bakowski wrote of the multiple micros in his poem called “The Broken Shoelace.”

It’s not the death of his love.

But a shoelace that breaks with no time left.

The origins of these irritations, frustrations or “tests” are not important. Every married couple has them. The main concern is how married couples, collectively or individually, choose to react to life’s stresses. These stresses come from many physical, environmental, and mental sources. It is our choices of how to deal with these various trials or setbacks that is of major concern.

The cumulative effects of all these events, though individually trivial, are probably more important than dealing with the “occasional macros” if and when they do occur. And perhaps it is our ability to withstand the seemingly constant minor irritations or trials that helps us to confront the major ones.

Duane Grimstad, chaplain of the St. Helena Health and Hospital Center has noted “Have you ever stood on the windy shore of the Pacific and watched the Monterey Pines as they are bowed and twisted up and down, back and forth, by the prevailing winds? Even the great Pacific storms cannot unearth these trees. Each gust and gale seems to strengthen their resolve to remain where they have grown,”

He continues, “How can they take it – that buffeting day and night forever? The answer is simple: They have deep roots that cling to subterranean rocks and soil roots that are shaped to grip unrelentingly, roots that never let go, roots that don’t know the meaning of retreat, roots on the windward side.”

Chaplain Grimstad concludes, “This root growing doesn’t happen overnight. It is a process over a period of years that produces strong roots to defy the storms. What conclusion can we draw from these thoughts? Welcome the little winds of trial and disappointment. They build character. Then, when the storms of life come, we can take the beating like the sturdy pines of Monterey, for we have roots on the windward side.”