Demands of Marriage Need R and R, Too

Published May 19, 1988. I was intrigued with a statement made the other day by comedian George Burns. He is now 92 years of age, and someone asked him his opinion on how to have a happy marriage. He was married for 38 years to his show and business partner, Gracie Allen.

And what was his advice? “Don’t work too hard at being married.”

What did he mean? Sometimes we work so earnestly at something that we stifle the growth and development that would normally occur if we didn’t work so hard at it. Sometimes “less” is better. It is true of parenthood, and it is also true of marriage.

Susan and I think our marriage becomes better during the summer months. We don’t know why, but maybe it is because I have a seasonal allergy that comes when Russian olive trees bloom. It comes around the first of June and lasts for two or three weeks. I have had the allergy most of our marriage, so Susan tries to be more understanding during the few weeks while my eyes water between sneezes.

Susan, in turn, gets some kind of allergy in August. We don’t know yet what causes it, but it lasts a few weeks. I also try to be a little more considerate during this time of discomfort for her.

We have noticed over the years that June and August tend to be pretty good months for our marriage. Because of our seasonal allergies, we lessen our demands and . . . in the words of George Burns, we quit trying so hard during that time. We also find that July is too hot for intense interaction, so we kind of mellow out during that month too.

So, during the summer, our marriage goes pretty well. All through that time we have agreed to just sort of live together and be more patient with each other. But come September it’s back to high expectations and long conversations about our marriage during the next nine months. Until the following June . . . when the Russian olives bloom again.

Is your marriage like ours? Does it tend to go through its seasons? Susan and I were talking the other night while we were out digging in the garden. We both agreed we were looking forward to the summer months. We just want to be friends, get along with each other and enjoy life. We agreed to follow the advice of George Burns and quit working so hard on our marriage for three months. Come September, we’ll get back to trying to be wonderful again. In the meantime, we’ll enjoy the summer . . . and each other . . . much more.

Over the years I have noticed that many married couples with whom I have counseled are much like my wife and myself. They often try too hard. They have what appears to me to be pretty good marriages. But they are often upset and discontented with their marriage because they have excessive expectations about each other.

Why not join Susan, George Burns, and me and back off from intense effort for marital success during the summer. Let’s just enjoy each other’s company. September will be here in a few months. Then we can get back to the expectations lists on the refrigerator door. But for now, relax. Get your air conditioners ready, plan a short vacation or two, and . . . think of us when the Russian olives bloom in two more weeks.