For Better or Verse

Published February 18, 1981.

QUESTION: My husband is a devout believer in the Bible and claims to be a Christian. He frequently quotes Ephesians 5:22 to me where it states, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands.” If I question the implications of this in our marriage, he reads aloud Genesis 3:16 “Thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”

He honestly believes this is how a husband and wife should live together, and it has caused considerable unpleasant feelings and hardships in our marriage. Perhaps he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if he really does. Should a man “rule” over his wife, and must a woman “submit” to her husband?

ANSWER: Your husband is guilty of what I call one-verse religion, where a person picks out one verse in the Bible and that becomes his religion. The Bible says a great deal about husband-wife relationships in a very positive way.

In Colossians 3:19 and in 1^st Peter 3:7, husbands are encouraged to love their wives and give honor to them. In addition, your husband should read on in the fifth chapter of Ephesians because Paul also states in verse 25, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;”

Paul is even more specific on what love entails in 1^st Corinthians 13:4-6 where he indicates that “Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrong but rejoices in the right.” (Revised Standard Version)

Not long ago I was on a panel at the Women’s Conference at Brigham Young University. Our topic was “unrighteous dominion,” and the exact two scriptures you mentioned were brought to question in husband-wife relationships.

Carl Hawkins, another member of the panel and a BYU faculty member, drew our attention to other scriptures which give additional insight on how husbands and wives should relate according to the Bible. He noted that Ephesians 5:22 states that a wife should submit herself to her husband “as unto the Lord” suggesting that a husband-wife relationship may then resemble Christ-disciple relationship. And therein lies the difference.

In Matthew 20:20-27, Professor Hawkins also noted that two followers of Jesus desired status and recognition, which caused suspicion and unrest among the other disciples. In verses 25-27 we read, “But Jesus called them unto him and said, ‘Ye know that the princes of the Gentiles exercise dominion over them, and they that are great exercise authority. But it shall not be so among you, but whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister, and whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant” (italics added).

According to the Bible, a husband should minister to and serve his wife rather than reign as the prince of the world and exercise authority and dominion over her.

Jesus called those who followed him his friends (John 15:14-15). And I know of no better way for a husband and wife to live together than to be friends in their marriage. As mentioned, Paul also implied that a Christian husband should love his wife as himself to the point of giving his life for her, if necessary (Ephesians 5:25-28). Now that is real love!

I would encourage you and your husband to read together 1^st John 4:7-11. And sometime in the future, when you feel he can handle all of this, you may even suggest he read Galatians 3:26-28.

Mark Twain once noted, “It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me; it is the parts that I do understand.” Perhaps this broader perspective of husband-wife relationships in the Bible will give your husband some new insights into a Christian marriage.

And hopefully, to some degree, it will bother him.