For In-Laws, a Time to Go Ashore

Published February 5, 1981. 

QUESTION: Recently, I met a young man, and we plan to marry in April. But we have a problem. I am a sophomore in college with a four-year scholarship. My parents are upset and want us to wait to get married because they would like me to finish my education. My fiancé, on the other hand, is the eldest in his family and is very close to his mother. His parents approve of me and are anxious, to say the least, to have their first grandchild as soon as possible. What it all boils down to is when should we have our first baby?

If we have a child right away, it is unlikely that I will finish my education. If we were to wait just one year before I got pregnant, I would have a better chance to graduate. My fiancé’s parents, and particularly his mother, have indicated their wishes that we should have a child soon and have even hinted that it is contrary to our religious beliefs to wait. It has even been insinuated that it is selfish of me to want to wait to have a baby. (What complicates this whole matter is that we are all highly committed to the same religious denomination.)

My fiancé is greatly influenced by his mother, and I am inclined to follow the advice of my parents. What do you suggest?

ANSWER: This is an either-or situation. Either you will get pregnant right away or you will not. You can’t get just a little bit pregnant and try to satisfy both sets of parents. But my first question is whether or not you should even try to do so?

Perhaps you are focusing on the wrong problem. You have indicated you are getting conflicting advice from both sets of parents as to when to have your first child. What do you and your fiancé desire regarding this important matter?

It may be well for the two of you to first determine what your relationship should be to your parents and in-laws after your marriage. How much advice and counsel should parents give married children? And to what extent are married children obliged to either seek or take advice from parents? This seems to be a major concern, and the specific issue of parental advice regarding children just happens to be one of the many that fall into this area.

One of the critical factors we as marriage counselors and family life educators teach in personal readiness for marriage is the ability to live and exist separately and apart from parents. If either of you can’t or won’t separate, perhaps you are not yet ready for marriage. The Bible said it best, and perhaps first. It states, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24). And we can leave father and mother and still honor them as encouraged to do in the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:12).

One family life educator has noted, “As each new marriage craft sets sail, there should be a warning call which is familiar to all ocean travelers: ‘All ashore that’s going ashore.’ Wherefore all in-laws should get off the matrimonial boat, and return only at infrequent intervals, and then only as invited guests for brief visits.”

Parents can be, and often are, of great assistance to their married children, particularly during the initial stages of marriage. But they and others should use restraint in offering and giving advice to newlyweds on sensitive issues, particularly when the advice is neither sought nor desired.

When and how many children you and your future husband should have is a highly personal matter that only the two of you can resolve. Having children is one of the most difficult yet rewarding responsibilities you will encounter in your marriage.

While many well-meaning people including parents, friends, neighbors, and teachers will often offer you advice on this matter, it is something that only the two of you can and should decide, since you are the ones who ultimately will care for and rear your children.