Focus on What You Can Become

Published December 31, 1987. I was down at the corner gas station a few days ago and met an old friend. After paying our gasoline bills, we engaged in the usual small talk for a few minutes and inquired about each other’s family. Then I asked him a question: “Has 1987 been a good year for you?

He replied that in some ways it had been. But then he related a whole series of troubles and setbacks that he, his wife and children had experienced during 1987. He said more than anything they were glad just to have survived it all and still be alive and functioning at the end of the year.

They had experienced illness an accident, financial setbacks, and the near loss of a loved one. But as he got in his car to leave, he reiterated that he was just relieved that 1987 was about over and looked forward to better times during 1988. Then he drove away.

I learned several things during our short conversation. First, even though many people have prospered during the year that is ending, there have been many difficult times and struggles for others. And sometimes I think we fail to realize that there are and will continue to be setbacks and difficulties during the year ahead.

Another thing I learned from the few minutes of dialogue with my friend was that, even though life had thrown them a few curves, he was not going to dwell on the past. He was, as he said, just glad to have survived it all. And he was looking ahead to new opportunities in the year ahead.

Over the years I have noted that sometimes we dwell on past difficulties to the point that we cannot anticipate or prepare for future opportunities. I’ve observed this many times in marriage counseling. I call it “backing into the future.” We become so absorbed with the ball and chain of past mistakes and experiences that we do not realize the present possibility of breaking with the past and creating a more inviting and promising future.

During the past year I was counseling with a couple who, like many others I have seen, were rehearsing their disappointing past as a married couple. Finally, I asked them if they believed they could change. They both replied that they were not certain they could. I then asked them if they hoped they could change and become the married couple they desired to become. After a short period of silence, they both stated they hoped the change could occur.

We all agreed that belief, hope, and hard work are essential for change in almost anything, including marital relationships.

I then shared with them one of the great truths I have learned in life. In fact, I have printed on a business card:

What we are is more important than what we have been. And what we can become is more important than what we are.”

Think about this statement several times during the next few days as we end one year and begin another. Particularly do so if you are like my friend who has experienced some difficult times in the past 12 months.

So here’s to 1987 for whatever we have been. But here also is to the New Year, 1988, for what we can become.

Happy New Year from the Barlows.